The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex

Ellen Kellner
UnTapped Talent LLC (2010)
ISBN 9780982083437
Reviewed by Carol Hoyer, PhD, for Reader Views (08/10)

 

The author provides detailed information not only for those going through a divorce, but any parent who has children and is having a hard time getting on the same page with the other parent. She is very clear; her book is easy to read and addresses everything from visitations to money issues. I found this book to be very detailed with examples of the old way we would handle the situation to new ways that would make it better for the child. Many times parents think divorce or break-up is about them, and its not- it is about making sure the child knows they are loved, there is consistent parenting and the child is not caught in-between the parent’s anger or revenge.

The section on child support and “extras” our child might want was very interesting in that we all “want” things, but do we need them? In addition to this, having your child ask the other parent for money is not a good idea.  It puts the child in the middle and often children will hear parents argue about money for other expenses.  Sometimes we have to say “no”- we can’t always do everything we want. Child support is to provide for the basics of living standards for the children, and sometimes you don’t receive it.

Another section that was very interesting is when children “bait” you with how unfair the other parent was and disciplined them in a different way you would have. Let’s be realistic, the child is going to tell you what they want you to hear. Hopefully, you have good communication with your ex and can discuss this with them and see what happened.

When you or your ex get involved in another relationship, neither of you have to ask permission. That is your choice. It is important that you don’t bad mouth the new person or make negative comments about your ex.  Regardless of whether you like this new relationship or not, it is up to each individual to decide to move on. Maybe you haven’t moved on- then you need to deal with it.  Every child wants their parents to stay together, but it doesn’t happen.  In my own experience, my daughter was in an abusive relationship for seven years. She has a tendency to bad mouth men in general. I don’t want my granddaughter to think all men are abusive; I want her to accept her dad for who he is and what he does- regardless of how much or how little it is.

“The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex” was a very informative book. In fact this is a book I will put on my reading list for my Psychology students and I have said to my daughter “read this.”

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